Kelly Gonsalves is a sex educator, relationship coach, and journalist. She received her journalism degree from Northwestern University, and her writings on sex, relationships, identity, and wellness have appeared at The Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere.
We're all curious about how many sexual partners other people have had, especially when it comes to the people we're dating.
Here's a roundup of all the data and research on the average number of sexual partners for women and men, how many partners is considered too many, and what you can tell about someone based on how many people they've slept with.
It varies a lot. There's a lot of research on lifetime sexual partners, and any given study will give you slightly different numbers. But in general, anywhere between 4 and 8 partners is considered an average number of sexual partners for adult men and women. A study of CDC data from to found these numbers:. There's no specific number of sexual partners that is universally considered a lot or too many partners. Everyone has their own personal opinion on what the ideal number of sexual partners is based on their own individual preferences, values, priorities, cultural backgrounds, and experiences.
What's a high number of partners to one person may be considered average or even low to another person. Unfortunately, people still judge one another based on the number of sexual partners they've had. Research suggests people still care quite a bit about this number and are still pretty quick to lay down judgments if a person's number or their own is too high or too low.
Some studies show people are less willing to date somebody as their number of sexual partners increases and view people as less intelligent, kind, honest, or trustworthy as that number goes up. That's not a good thing—it means our culture has an even longer way to go before an attitude of sexual acceptance and celebration truly becomes the norm. A lot of people are specifically curious to know how many men the average woman has slept with and what counts as a high number of partners for women.
Although we might not realize it or intend it this way, our instinct to judge women who sleep with a lot of men is rooted in sexism. While men are praised by their peers for having sex with a lot of people, women are shamed for it. Psychologists refer to this sexist phenomenon as a sexual double standard.
Some research shows people view women who've slept with a ton of people as less confident than they do women who've slept with fewer partners. One study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found women, in particular, view more promiscuous women as "less competent, emotionally stable, warm, and dominant.
These perceptions are not based in reality, of course. Sleeping with a lot of people doesn't make women any less competent, stable, or confident. Plenty of women enjoy having sex with a lot of people and are also smart, mature, kind, committed, and confident. If you find yourself judging a woman negatively based on her sexual history, it's important to take a pause and recognize that your judgments may be unfairly gendered. It can be helpful to spend some time reflecting on your feelings about sex and gender more broadly.
You're, of course, allowed to have your own values, but it's important not to view other people negatively just because they have a different set of values from yours. Yes, how many people a person has slept with or how regularly they enjoy casual sex can tell you a lot about them. A person's number of sexual partners could potentially shed some light on things like their personality more sexually adventurous people naturally tend to be more extroverted , how social they are they tend to have more friends , their interest in alcohol they tend to drink more , and what their views and values are as they relate to sex they tend to be more sex-positive and liberal.
What can a person's number not tell you? Anything about the quality of their character. Your sexual history can't tell us whether you're a kind, ethical, intelligent, loyal, or empathetic person or basically any other meaningful quality about you.
There are certainly some promiscuous people out there who aren't particularly kind toward themselves or others. At the same time, some of the gentlest, most emotionally mature souls get intimate with strangers on the regular, and some of the biggest jerks you'll ever meet have never had sex in their lives. The number of partners really doesn't tell you much. If it's on your mind, it's usually a good idea to talk about it.
Keeping secrets from your partner or feeling like you're avoiding something can create distance and tension in the relationship. All that said, it seems people are pretty weird about talking to their partners about their number. The Dr. That's a lot of absolutes. And interestingly, a quarter of people said they've never been asked about it by a partner before—which also speaks to a weird hush-hush around the subject.
In fact, research shows that people tend to lie about how many people they've had sex with. Apparently this random number which signifies nothing apart from the gap between 11 and 13 actually means someone is "sexually adventurous, liberal and transient", according to a majority of both men and women surveyed.
It's bad news if you are one of the many many numbers above or below twelve as, "70 per cent of men and 66 per cent of women say having less than 10 partners indicates "sexual inexperience and a lack of adventure in the bedroom". Having more than 19 indicates "someone is too eager to jump from partner to partner, or simply too selfish and very difficult to please.
A spokesperson for the illicit affairs site Christian Grant, commented: " We are more liberal, tolerant and sexually adventurous than we've ever been, so the numbers game matters.
They never let the spark disappear. Girls need to get their rocks off in whatever way works best for them. I ended up getting my first girlfriend pregnant when I was 17 and marrying her, so for the first six years I was having sex with only one person.
After we divorced, I began to sleep with more women. But I was an early user once the internet got started. It allowed me to be a lot more upfront about my intentions. In my 20s and 30s, there was a clash between my need to experiment and the urge to be in a relationship.
It started to feel quite corrosive. For some, that makes it instantly less appealing. This year has been my big sexual awakening. Watch out, men! I was destroyed after my breakup and went online to remember how to interact with guys.
Online dating leaves a trail of digital events to agonise over, depending on how emotionally vulnerable you feel. And the very nature of the swipe interface on Tinder makes the whole thing feel so disposable. I call it being in the sex haze. My allergy to relationships has passed now. I want to fall in love with a really sexy man who loves me. Is that too much to ask? I had a breakdown at There was a lot of acting out and I lost my virginity shortly afterwards. I was interested in sex, but I had no appreciation of myself and I got a reputation for being easy without really understanding how that had happened.
I developed addictions, and as soon as my education was over, I left home. As my addictions took over, I ended up in the sex business, and on my 30th birthday I found myself in rehab, having been charged with solicitation.
Then, 10 years ago, I had a moment of clarity that I wanted to explore my sexuality with men again. One of the things I love about sex with women is that it can be so endless and full of possibilities.
That kind of play requires vulnerability, and an enormous currency in any relationship. Right from the start, I was sensitive and a bit of a nerd. At 26, the pressure and stress were getting to me. I tried online dating agencies with no success.
I was simply not equipped to get along with women. I spiralled into alcoholism and eventual recovery. I met my wife towards the end of my heavy-drinking period, and we pretty much clicked instantly.
The menopause came and went, her libido dropped away and our sexual encounters stopped. We are physically affectionate and greatly attached, but I miss sex and that moment of communion. I have developed a yearning for what is highly improbable: that I can take up with a young woman for casual pleasure without commitment.
The last thing I want is to hurt her. It would be agony. But I never sowed my wild oats, you see, and I regret that. Is it too late to make up for that somehow? For me, a big part of sex is getting to know someone.
0コメント